I
know what it's like to be in a marriage and feel trapped and unhappy,
hopeless even. More than once during my first marriage, I was locked
out of the house, left at various locations to make my own way home without
transportation or resources and even dialed the crisis hot line number more
than once - I do understand hard and hopeless - really I do. At this time in my life, I was acclimating to a new country, city and working toward building a life here for myself. I had no family and only a few 'new' friends who I was not yet at the 'fall apart openly' stage with...these were extremely tough times! I slept in my mini van one night at 6 months pregnant in a Winn Dixie parking lot, because I was locked out and had no other options. I very clearly remember one Sunday in July or August (dog days of summer in Alabama regardless) getting into an argument at a restaurant after church - he took his 2 boys and left me with the baby and the diaper bag. I was in heels and it was hot. My son was 10.1 lbs at birth, he was just a few months old at this time. I walked home (just over 4 miles), in my heels and the heat carrying my little chunk, a loaded diaper bag and my purse - great memories!
My mouth got me in trouble that day and many other days, it still does, not as much, but it still happens. In any case, I can't go
back and look through a crystal ball and say that if I had done this or
that then things would have turned out differently, perhaps they would
have, I will never know that.
My point here is this, I was in church, learning to walk with God, trying to do things better, but sin was still infecting my life. I had not yet allowed Him full access. In my mind I was justified in shooting off my mouth on these kind of occasions.....that man left me high and dry with a baby, in the Alabama heat and sent an awful message to his two boys in the process. In my mind that day, I was very righteous in my anger. Was. I see now that my anger and the mouth it flowed from were just as responsible for my circumstances as anything was.
That was over 10 years ago friends and I would not consider myself transparent here if I didn't fess up and tell you that today that little flapping piece of pink flesh is still getting me in trouble and still one of my greatest struggles. The good news is that I don't struggle as often and I have not taken any unplanned walks or been intentionally locked out of the house in that time either. Now some of that may be me and what I have allowed God to do in me during the past 10 years, some the fact that I am longer in that relationship, either way, I have learned a little about the power of the tongue and the damage it can do! The one thing that I do know has been a contributing factor is my relationship with the Creator of it all. He has so kindly and lovingly and patiently showed me over the years how I hurt myself and those around me when I spout off without thinking. He has taught me how to come to Him when I need strength that I do not have in my own flesh. He has been the shelter in the many storms and gifted me with new perspective with which to grow and change to become more a reflection of Him.
It really is all about perspective, you have to change your vantage point if you want the view to change. I personally don't know a better way to make that happen than to enter into a deeper relationship with God. Lord knows, I tried other things for many years, but never came to a place of peace or satisfaction like I have since I have allowed Jesus to fill my heart with His Love and Goodness.
If I had not taken the path I have; walked the hard walks, spent the nights locked out, gotten to the point of desperation to make crisis calls, would I be here today sharing my heart with you? No, I don't think so. It was those things that led me to the One who came to Save me and He has! It is only through that relationship that I feel remotely equipped to be typing these words today.
He saves. He saved me. He can save you too. He loves you. He wants your marriage to thrive. He will help you. Invite Him in to help. Upgrade His access. I don't know much, but this I do know. He came for these reasons alone...for you and for me.
If you are in a place of trial today and need to see a pin prick of light in the darkness before you....speak His name and ask for His help....He is there...waiting. Ask Him what your nest step should be. A kind word, an unexpected apology for a past hurt, reach out and make yourself vulnerable.... it is scary but it is necessary to find the healing and wholeness we seek. These are the first steps to seeing marriages healed and thriving!
2 Corinthians 12:9 GOD’S WORD Translation (GW)
But he told me: “My kindness
is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak.” So I will
brag even more about my weaknesses in order that Christ’s power will
live in me.
There must be something of value to someone in this post because there has been a myriad of interruptions, computer challenges and discouragements to get it written and posted. If this is for you....I apologize for the delay........
You've said the "I do's", gotten settled into a pleasant enough day to day routine and the honeymoon phase is pretty much winding down.....now what? As I mentioned a few posts ago, I do not profess to be a marriage expert on any level, but I do have some experience in that arena, both good and bad. That is what I bring to the table and what I am willing to be transparent about. I made many many mistakes in my first marriage and by God's grace learned a little which has helped me to be a better, but not mistake free wife this time around. When I said my vows this time I knew it was forever, I did not have that assurance the first time.
Divorce is something that I carry much guilt and shame about and I do not consider to be an option in my life any longer. My Prince and I have a wonderful friendship, a bond unlike any I have ever known and after almost 8 years are only more deeply in love with each other than we were the day we said 'I do' barefoot on the beach in Jamaica. Life is good, but certainly not easy. Marriage requires effort and the ability to put someone else first, time and time again even when you don't want to. This is a skill that did not in any way come naturally to me. It has been hard work at times. But I have to be honest and tell you that for me personally the benefits have far outweighed the effort required of me.
And...somewhere along the way it became less like effort and more like a desire to please.... I know crazy huh?
Several years ago I read Created to be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl which brought with it much conviction and a new perspective about my role as a wife. During the time I was reading the book, something in me shifted and the way I viewed marriage and my role within our marriage changed. I began to see God's plan for marriage in a way I never had before. I was able to step out of selfish pride and allow God to soften my heart for my husband and his needs. For that I am grateful.....and so is My Prince ;-) At first, he did not know I was reading the book, but as things began to change he knew something was up....he joked about not knowing what he might come home to each day. I began to really look at my role as his wife as an opportunity to minister to him and felt called to encourage and support him in all he did, something, truthfully, I had never even considered before. I did things that required time or effort or both on my part and the strangest thing began to happen - I found myself looking forward to doing things for him. I would get excited about a new idea or surprise I might have planned. Not everything I did was a bulls-eye, but overall, my efforts were well received and I in turn felt more love and connection with my husband than I ever had. Is our marriage perfect, no, but I can honestly say it is very happy and for me it really is my fairy tale. There are days we snap and snarl but there is never any question of our forever.
What I really want to leave you with today is this....marriage is hard, but you can do things to make it more enjoyable and deepen the bond you share with Your Prince! First and foremost, pride has got to go girls! If you put all your energy into what he said (or didn't), what he did (or didn't) you are equipping yourself for a losing battle. Forget what he said, did, didn't do or what kind of thoughtless clod he may have been and extend some good old fashioned love and kindness his way. If your typical greeting at the end of the day is a spewing laundry list of everything the kids did to drive you over the edge or how much you hate your job, or all the drama on Facebook (ouch) today then you might as well forget about having any of your emotional needs met in your marriage, because sweetie - those things will kill a mans desire to connect with you emotionally in no time flat! (I believe in saying it plain...I love you). You have to park your pride and your issues at the rear and put your hubby's needs before your own.
Proverbs 21:19 (NIV)
Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.
He is your man, you know what he needs! Set aside a little time to really consider how you can support him daily, what things please him, maybe he would appreciate a home packed lunch once or twice a week with a note, where you could share a sweet memory, dream a little about the future or even encourage him in something he may be going through at work. Pray about what you can do that will bless him most right now. Think about it and then formulate a plan.
In my house, some fitted clothes instead of baggy sweats, a little squirt of something pleasing to the nose, a loving greeting at the door sans complaints and good meal are a great thing to come home to and set the tone for an enjoyable evening together. I am fortunate to be home and able to make this happen pretty often, you may not be - work with your circumstances. Men really are made happy pretty easily. If you are unsure of what he wants....ask....he will tell you ;-) Then do it....even if it is one small thing at a time, baby steps, imperfect progress....it will get you there!
Proverbs 12:4 (NIV)
A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.
Now is a great time to start....it's almost February, this is a great lead in to gearing up for a wonderful Valentine's Day! I have more ideas that I will share with you over the next few weeks....and it goes without saying that I would love for you to share yours as well! Remember we are here to support and encourage each other!
Marriage matters and it pleases God when we function within our marriages as He planned for us to - He can't bless what we don't honor. A pan of brownies or a thoughtful gesture goes a long way toward telling your guy that he is important and that he matters to you, that you think about him when he isn't around and that pleasing him is important to you. You will reap a bountiful harvest for your efforts in ways that you would never imagine...really!!
Today I thought I would share a little more of my story, who I am and where I am coming from, what has brought me to where I am today. I want to share a little of my history in regard to marriage. Marriage is a topic that is near and dear to my heart. I long to see strong healthy marriages, I believe that they are critical to strong healthy families and we NEED strong healthy families to combat the enemy as he prowls the earth!! (1 Peter 5:8) I did not come from a home where one was in place. I am no authority, this is not my first rodeo, but hopefully I have learned a little along the way that may in some small way be of benefit to even one of you, dear readers....
My first marriage was doomed from the start, but of course I was too blind to see that. I have no desire to dwell on regrets - wasted energy in my opinion. I will say this, I was young(ish) 30 years old at the time, I was deceived in many pretty major ways by the man I was to marry and most importantly, I was not walking with God at that time in my life....I did not yet know. Not too hard to read that writing on the wall from my current perspective, but then I was clueless.
We were married for 8 years, 10 months and 16 days (I calculated this as I prepared this post as I am about to celebrate my 8th anniversary a second time and I get curious about things like that...). The last 2 years of my first marriage were spent in divorce, primarily in court, chaos and oh so much drama. This was one of if not 'the' hardest times in my life. As a single mom I learned so very much in the School of Hard Knocks in which I found myself automatically enrolled during this time.
Many good things came out of those 8 years, 10 months and 16 days. It brought me to Alabama from my lifelong home in Canada - I had cats, he had kids, the cats and I made the move..... I love living in The South Y'all! I came to know my Lord & Savior during that time as well.....this is The Bible Belt after all. And last but absolutely not least, I have a beautiful son who was born out of that union. God really can take what the enemy means for evil and turn it to good !! And I wish I could locate the scripture reference for that to share with you - I was thinking Romans 8:28, but that doesn't seem completely right....help a sister out if you know the one I am thinking of ok? Thanks. But I digress...
Many not so good things came out of those 8 years, 10 months and 16 days as well. Wounds that run very deep which to this day I continue to pray for healing of. My self image/worth was completely destroyed during that time, I lost myself almost entirely. Damage to the way I related to people in general and even more so how I viewed men. God's goodness (I am one of His favorites by the way...nannie nannie boo boo ;-)) brought me an amazing man...My Prince....who is nothing at all like the one who lied, who hurt me and caused so much pain. He is a man of stellar character, patient (amazingly so at times - bless him), kind, gentle, honest and loves me like crazy! There is that principle at work again - evil turned to good - in this case - turned to supercalifrajalistic!
I tell My Boy (who is now 11 years old and already taller than his mama!!) all the time, that hurt people hurt people when he is struggling to make sense of the things that his dad does or does not do. I won't even begin to dig into that today - there is an plethora of posting that is bound to come out of that as well.
It's true, hurt people do hurt people, but healed people can help hurt people heal...Amen! Again we see that marvelous principle at work - God takes our yuck and turns it into something lovely that brings life to the hurting...how awesome is that? We serve an entirely Awesome God!! A God who loves us beyond our ability to comprehend.
I for one feel that there is accountability and responsibility that comes with understanding and wisdom. This blog was birthed out of that belief, I will say it over and over no doubt, that if these posts help just one that is more than enough, and the reason I feel called to be here doing this baring and sharing when it is hard. Even when I really don't want to because I am scared of the transparency it will at times require and I don't know what to make for dinner tonight and I need to start a load of laundry and what will people think of me? and the dishwasher needs to be emptied and there is the history test and the math lessons and on and on and on.....It is hard, but it is so very worth it!
I certainly don't do it alone and never could. God has given me a heart to reach out to the hurt out of my healing and with His help and guidance, it is my prayer that I can help you see that even in the yuck He can perform miracles....my life is truly a testimony of that...in progress.
