Staring Down Our Stuff

The older I get, the more messed up I realize I am.  I mean I do ok most of the time and overall I think I "pass with a push" as my sweet grandmother was fond of saying, but then there is that beneath the surface stuff that we don't care to display for all to see or even look at much ourselves for that matter.

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I spent the early hours today confronted with some of that and I have to tell you, it is not my favorite way to spend time. 
 Let me explain how I found myself 'staring down my stuff'.  I have alot going on lately - who doesn't?  I know.  Each of us has our own tightrope we balance on day to day basis sometimes.  I am in a very high tightrope season and the pressure is on in center ring for me at the moment.  This does not make me the happy, kind, warm, gentle and loving, wife, mother, daughter, friend and in general human being that I want to be.
I have been blessed thus far with 48 years  and with that I find myself in new territory - what I have re-named 'mental-pause'.  This is h.a.r.d!  My brain, body and emotions betray me continually - I have become my own worst enemy even more than ever!!  I am smack in the middle of a 'bout' of it now and have so much to do and manage and I don't feel equipped to deal with any of it.  I want to find the outlet and pull the plug or just spontaneously combust, neither is a valid option.  
I can't seem to calm myself and find myself in mini panic attacks more often than I care to admit.  SO that is where I was today.  This morning I got up (though I didn't want to) read Hebrews Chapter 5 with my sweet husband and then promptly launched into an all out spaz attack over coffee.  Bless his heart, he was happy to have work to go to I'm pretty sure!  I.don't.blame.him one.bit.  So he escaped left for work and I was left to myself.  The boy was still snoozing and I knew what I needed to do was spend some time with Father, before the day took on a life of it's own.  I got out a new devotional that I started last week,  Unglued Devotional  60 Days of Imperfect Progress by Lysa TerKeurst.  I am on Day 5, I about chocked when I opened the book and saw the title for today - 'The Root of my Rot'  (how does He do that??).  I read the opening scripture...

Do not conform any longer t the pattern of this world, 
but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-
his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2

from there I made my way to the 'Thought for the Day' ....
 
How we react is a crucial gauge of what's really going on inside us.

ouch .Ouch. OUCH!!!  

I called my husband before I read any more and shared what I had just read with him.  Bless him, I know he had to feel a little vindicated ;-)  He really is a source of strength and encouragement in my life in these kind of moments, so with his blessing, I hung up and read on.
I realized over the next two pages that what I really needed (which I knew all along if I could shut myself off long enough to listen to the still small voice) was to get quiet and take all this to God.  To tell Him how I am feeling, struggling and panicking and seek His GRACE.... I cried (I do that alot lately too...sigh), I prayed, I asked Him to show me where the root of my rot is so I can dig it out and plant something lovely in it's place....Oh Father, show me, I cried out.

 Give ear to my words, O Lord,
    consider my sighing.
Listen to my cry for help,
    my King and my God,
    for to you I pray.
In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice;
    in the morning I lay my requests before you    and wait in expectation.
 Psalm 5:1-3 (NIV) 
 
Do I have all the answers?  Nope, I sure don't but I do feel calmer, as I wait in expectation. I am in a much better position to function effectively than I was in the state I was in.  For now, that is enough.  That is grace.  The words of this worship song came to me while I was praying.....maybe you need this today too.

 

What do you do when mental-pause seeks to get the better of you?  A mental pause is likely a good start!  Have you found something that might be an encouragement to those of us in the weeds today?  Please, please ....share!!
 

Prison Life

I have a weight problem.  I have wrestled with my weight since my teen years. And just to clarify that is 30 plus years now, a reasonable amount of time to figure something out I dare say.  My first memory of thinking something was off with my body was around fifteen when I remember a then boyfriend (which I had no business having, but that is a whole other post) commenting about my thighs in a less than favorable way, I can still remember the shorts I was wearing and where we were.  Oh hindsight.....I should have shut it down right then and there, instead I decided to run.  By that I mean I took up jogging to get my substandard thighs into acceptable, boyfriend pleasing condition.  Thus began the battle that would be my constant companion all through my teen and adult years.  I am now 48 years old and ready to move beyond this relationship.
Over the years, I have tried diets, programs, exercise (not too much), supplements, etc.  I was very good at being rewarded with good numbers on the scale at the meetings and did enjoy good success on several occasions as a result of those programs,diets and meetings.  I even made the local newspaper several years ago well by backside did as I was weighing in at a weekly meeting.  What I loved about that picture was how baggy my pants looked.....I still own those pants, they are not currently baggy, in fact, they do not currently fit.  Truth, is hard, but truth will set me (and you) free. 

John 8:32 (NIV)
Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.

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I don't know about you friend, but I sure want to be free.  I long to be free, and I may even know what will set me free, but I remain bound.  My bondage is a prison of my own creation and restraint and it seems absolutely ridiculous that I would chose to remain bound when I have the tools to be set free.  It is.  I have often wondered "Why is it so hard to do the things that are good for me and so easy to do those which in the end hurt me?"  But I do them, repeatedly time and again....what is up with that?  While I don't profess to have any answers for anyone, let alone, my own self, I do think I may be on to a hint of something that just simply makes sense.  Indulge me through this train of thought won't you please?
It is a trust thing.  And if you recall from a few posts ago  I concluded that fear is simply a lack of trust.... it's just that simple right?  No.  There it is again - imagine that - that fun packed four letter word that God has asked me to deal with this year.....fear.  Now this is where the ride gets a little crazy so secure your seat belts and hold on while I make a quick pass around some curves.  It looks like this in my mind......
I use food to fill an empty place inside - not my stomach.  The emptiness is there because I am afraid of something.  I am afraid of something because I am not able to trust.  Therefore I am using food to fill an emptiness which it was not designed to fill and will never succeed in filling.  I gain weight.  I feel emptier.  I eat more.  I gain more weight. The emptiness gets bigger and louder.  I self medicate with food.  I turn on myself for my lack of control and the whole messy cycle begins again!   Exhausting!  Destructive!  Sad!  Not to mention, absolutely not what God wants for my life.
Do you see the obvious problem here?....I am using a  hammer to cut a piece of wood.  I need a saw and I know what one looks like, how to use one and where one is, but for some reason, I keep picking up the hammer!  WHY?  I. don't. know. But I know someone who does. 
The Prince of Peace.  He wants to take away the chaos and confusion and put an end to the journey around the same old mountain and set me free to live and walk the path He laid out for me before I ever was.  So what is stopping me ? Fear, which of course brings us back around to.....you know by now....trust.
 It sounds like it might be a little taxing, a tad hard doesn't it?  It is.  This is....well, I've lost count of how many panic attacks I have fought off just getting this typed out!  But then I find myself back at square one, facing my old nemesis ....fear.  I cannot retreat, it is no longer an option.  For goodness sake I have exposed myself  here and there is no turning back now.  And even more than that, there is that possibility that this just might help someone other than me. Believe me when I tell you if this helps one - it is SO very worth it to me!! That is all I need to acknowledge to keep moving forward.  I have this fleeting vision of standing there one day (a thinner me of course....with a great outfit on a perfect hair day) and looking at this fear and saying in the most confidant and convincing voice "I laugh at fear."  Does anybody else have those victory moments?  Ok....moving on.....
I've acknowledged that it's hard and that I am afraid so, what am I going to do about it?  Take baby steps forward....one foot in front of the other and keep moving....forward.  This post is really more than a baby step, this may classify as a leap - a little 'catch up' of sorts.
For now, that's all I have it in me to share.  
I currently reading a great book (see sidebar)which is providing some really interesting insight and ideas to approaching this battle, this prison that so many of us keep ourselves trapped in.  I will be sharing more, but before I commit to doing too much here I would love to know if this is something you want to read more about. 

Please give me some feedback.....Would you be interested in going through the book with me?  Tell me what you want, this is for you...and I am more than happy to go deeper.  Do you have any interest in my journey/progress, would you like to share yours?  I would love to hear your ideas about what this could look like! 

I will leave you with this for now, the good news is, there is Good News!  And He is the key to release from our prison cell.  You put yourself there and with His help you can sentence yourself to freedom for life!!  

 

Confounded by Simplicity

Seven simple words.  Clear, concise and easy to understand.  So it would stand to reason that if one desired to or chose to follow them it should be a pretty clear cut, straight forward task.  Tell me....has that been your experience?  Because it sure hasn't been mine!  
This can be an huge area of struggle for me.  I know that I should take things to God, that His ways are right and true and that He will always be fair and just with no selfish hidden agenda. I often do not naturally default this way however.  I tend toward one of two things.....
1) I can 'fix, do, handle' this myself (God needs my help)
or 
2)  I seek the counsel of man
Actually, now that I think of it there is another that had been known to surface....
3)  It doesn't even cross my mind that God might be remotely interested.    
Scary right? You bet it is.  This is serious business.  God cares about so many facets of our life where we deny Him access without even entertaining a moment's consideration.  He is in the details, He created the details!  
So why do we tend to be bent toward doing things our own way or seeking help from someone who we think may have a good answer?  Pride.  Fear.  Insecurity.  The way I see it is this, and please understand this is just a peek into the rather chaotic and often confused place that resides between my ears....pride is based in fear and fear is an absence of trust, so what we are really dealing with here are trust issues.   Trust issues, pretty sure they are a standard feature in the luggage that most people carry one around.
Wow, I am thinking as I am writing this, I knew God was calling me to deal with fear in 2013, but really what He is asking me to do is trust...... Him.  Simple. Gulp. Ouch.
I am immediately reminded of a teaching in an Elijah House class I attended  several years ago and an 'Ah Ha' moment that I had when the woman leading the class said these words "How you view your earthly father is how you view God".  Ginormous Gulp.  Questions immediately began a rapid fire sequence in my mind that even today still kick in to a lesser degree when my thoughts 'go there'. 
I have never met my earthly father.  I know very little about him and what I do know is likely skewed through my mother's perspective.  I have NO relationship then to base my relationship with my Heavenly Father on?  Surely God would not leave me high and dry like that?  I certainly can't have a relationship with God built on a trusting loving relationship with a father who has only been absent and non-existent to me my entire life.  
In my years walking with the Lord, I have learned that things are more often that not, not what they initially appear to be.  We serve a very complex and detail oriented God.  He is the Master Weaver and He weaves threads of fear with trust and hope with sorrow and though something may at first glance look like fear, what it really is on closer inspection is pride or pain.  He is the only One who can clearly identify the elements of His glorious tapestries.  
What do you do when you attend an event or gathering and taste something delicious that you know your family would love?  You ask who made the dish, you seek out that person and you request the recipe right? Simple.
Matthew 7:7  (NIV)

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

 

So we must seek Him, and ask Him and He will tell us what we want to know......simple.  Please, let me know how this is working out for you, because for me, most days, I'm not even clear on the question.