Staring Down Our Stuff

The older I get, the more messed up I realize I am.  I mean I do ok most of the time and overall I think I "pass with a push" as my sweet grandmother was fond of saying, but then there is that beneath the surface stuff that we don't care to display for all to see or even look at much ourselves for that matter.

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I spent the early hours today confronted with some of that and I have to tell you, it is not my favorite way to spend time. 
 Let me explain how I found myself 'staring down my stuff'.  I have alot going on lately - who doesn't?  I know.  Each of us has our own tightrope we balance on day to day basis sometimes.  I am in a very high tightrope season and the pressure is on in center ring for me at the moment.  This does not make me the happy, kind, warm, gentle and loving, wife, mother, daughter, friend and in general human being that I want to be.
I have been blessed thus far with 48 years  and with that I find myself in new territory - what I have re-named 'mental-pause'.  This is h.a.r.d!  My brain, body and emotions betray me continually - I have become my own worst enemy even more than ever!!  I am smack in the middle of a 'bout' of it now and have so much to do and manage and I don't feel equipped to deal with any of it.  I want to find the outlet and pull the plug or just spontaneously combust, neither is a valid option.  
I can't seem to calm myself and find myself in mini panic attacks more often than I care to admit.  SO that is where I was today.  This morning I got up (though I didn't want to) read Hebrews Chapter 5 with my sweet husband and then promptly launched into an all out spaz attack over coffee.  Bless his heart, he was happy to have work to go to I'm pretty sure!  I.don't.blame.him one.bit.  So he escaped left for work and I was left to myself.  The boy was still snoozing and I knew what I needed to do was spend some time with Father, before the day took on a life of it's own.  I got out a new devotional that I started last week,  Unglued Devotional  60 Days of Imperfect Progress by Lysa TerKeurst.  I am on Day 5, I about chocked when I opened the book and saw the title for today - 'The Root of my Rot'  (how does He do that??).  I read the opening scripture...

Do not conform any longer t the pattern of this world, 
but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-
his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2

from there I made my way to the 'Thought for the Day' ....
 
How we react is a crucial gauge of what's really going on inside us.

ouch .Ouch. OUCH!!!  

I called my husband before I read any more and shared what I had just read with him.  Bless him, I know he had to feel a little vindicated ;-)  He really is a source of strength and encouragement in my life in these kind of moments, so with his blessing, I hung up and read on.
I realized over the next two pages that what I really needed (which I knew all along if I could shut myself off long enough to listen to the still small voice) was to get quiet and take all this to God.  To tell Him how I am feeling, struggling and panicking and seek His GRACE.... I cried (I do that alot lately too...sigh), I prayed, I asked Him to show me where the root of my rot is so I can dig it out and plant something lovely in it's place....Oh Father, show me, I cried out.

 Give ear to my words, O Lord,
    consider my sighing.
Listen to my cry for help,
    my King and my God,
    for to you I pray.
In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice;
    in the morning I lay my requests before you    and wait in expectation.
 Psalm 5:1-3 (NIV) 
 
Do I have all the answers?  Nope, I sure don't but I do feel calmer, as I wait in expectation. I am in a much better position to function effectively than I was in the state I was in.  For now, that is enough.  That is grace.  The words of this worship song came to me while I was praying.....maybe you need this today too.

 

What do you do when mental-pause seeks to get the better of you?  A mental pause is likely a good start!  Have you found something that might be an encouragement to those of us in the weeds today?  Please, please ....share!!
 

Fostering a Heart of Thanks

I loved the book from the moment I saw it.  I have a thing for birds and nests and well, blue and speckledy eggs just quite simply make me happy. I really have an even bigger thing for books. So from the moment I saw the book cover I was drawn to it.  The fact that the author was a fellow Canadian added another element of interest and appeal, the fact that she was a blogger who I had visited on occasion and was also a homeschooling mom were gravy to an already done deal.  
So I got the book....and as I often do with books that I have to have, it sat a while on the bookshelf.  I looked at it and admired it, I picked it up and leafed through it here and there.  It even changed locations in the house once or twice.  But read it?  No, not quite yet.  I owned the book for maybe 6 months, maybe longer before I actually began the process of reading it.  Why?  Well, I expect that it was the same thing that often stops me from moving forward ....fear.  
Afraid of a book? Yep you betcha!  You see if you read it and you learn something then you are accountable right?  And accountability is hard sometimes and hard is scary. I am hoping I am not alone in this meandering path of thinking and reasoning.  
I read the book in my morning quiet time over the course of about a month.  It is not a tube of Pringles kind of book that get gobbled up fairly quickly, no it is more of a bag of Dove Chocolates that you savor and indulge in over time.

For those who are not familiar with the book or it's intent, allow me to enlighten you a little...One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp  grew out of a dare from a friend to intentionally count the things in life that she had to be grateful for.  The book examines the position and condition of our hearts and helps us to see ways to gratitude and in the process life changing perspective.  It is good.  We all have much to be thankful for, if you are reading this post now, you are truly one of the fortunate,  it means you are connected to provision in your life that many in the world will never know.  Great book - put it on your reading list for this year and read it - nuff said. 
I have started my list many times and failed miserably at keeping up with it, so I am bringing it here to a place of accountability and hoping that in some small way I can inspire you to begin to enter in to a place of gratitude along with me.  I really believe this is a crucial key to unlocking the door to victory for many of us in many different ways in our lives.  I do truly love an adventure and nothing makes for a merry one more than a happy group of companions all set on the same course! 

So without any further fanfare ......Here dear ones my list begins (again...sigh)....

*1*  I am grateful that as we approach our 8th Anniversary that we still miss each other daily when we are apart and just the other day commented about how it's still giggly newlywed feeling love so much of the time - what an huge blessing that is daily!!

*2*  For the ability God is giving me to move through my fears and gently force myself through to where He wants me.

*3*  That I have a family who loves me and supports me through all the craziness that I bring into our lives.....you guys rock!! :-)  


Have you read the book? Started a list?  Want to?  PLEASE share a comment about something for which you can give thanks!  If I come across any of my old and abandoned lists, I will add them in as well.

 

Confounded by Simplicity

Seven simple words.  Clear, concise and easy to understand.  So it would stand to reason that if one desired to or chose to follow them it should be a pretty clear cut, straight forward task.  Tell me....has that been your experience?  Because it sure hasn't been mine!  
This can be an huge area of struggle for me.  I know that I should take things to God, that His ways are right and true and that He will always be fair and just with no selfish hidden agenda. I often do not naturally default this way however.  I tend toward one of two things.....
1) I can 'fix, do, handle' this myself (God needs my help)
or 
2)  I seek the counsel of man
Actually, now that I think of it there is another that had been known to surface....
3)  It doesn't even cross my mind that God might be remotely interested.    
Scary right? You bet it is.  This is serious business.  God cares about so many facets of our life where we deny Him access without even entertaining a moment's consideration.  He is in the details, He created the details!  
So why do we tend to be bent toward doing things our own way or seeking help from someone who we think may have a good answer?  Pride.  Fear.  Insecurity.  The way I see it is this, and please understand this is just a peek into the rather chaotic and often confused place that resides between my ears....pride is based in fear and fear is an absence of trust, so what we are really dealing with here are trust issues.   Trust issues, pretty sure they are a standard feature in the luggage that most people carry one around.
Wow, I am thinking as I am writing this, I knew God was calling me to deal with fear in 2013, but really what He is asking me to do is trust...... Him.  Simple. Gulp. Ouch.
I am immediately reminded of a teaching in an Elijah House class I attended  several years ago and an 'Ah Ha' moment that I had when the woman leading the class said these words "How you view your earthly father is how you view God".  Ginormous Gulp.  Questions immediately began a rapid fire sequence in my mind that even today still kick in to a lesser degree when my thoughts 'go there'. 
I have never met my earthly father.  I know very little about him and what I do know is likely skewed through my mother's perspective.  I have NO relationship then to base my relationship with my Heavenly Father on?  Surely God would not leave me high and dry like that?  I certainly can't have a relationship with God built on a trusting loving relationship with a father who has only been absent and non-existent to me my entire life.  
In my years walking with the Lord, I have learned that things are more often that not, not what they initially appear to be.  We serve a very complex and detail oriented God.  He is the Master Weaver and He weaves threads of fear with trust and hope with sorrow and though something may at first glance look like fear, what it really is on closer inspection is pride or pain.  He is the only One who can clearly identify the elements of His glorious tapestries.  
What do you do when you attend an event or gathering and taste something delicious that you know your family would love?  You ask who made the dish, you seek out that person and you request the recipe right? Simple.
Matthew 7:7  (NIV)

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

 

So we must seek Him, and ask Him and He will tell us what we want to know......simple.  Please, let me know how this is working out for you, because for me, most days, I'm not even clear on the question.