Most of my live with brief seasons of exception I have felt
'not good enough'. I still feel that way
more than I care to admit. Over the
years I have come to refer to this lack of self worth as not being on "The
A List". When I first began dating
my husband, I really wasn't even sure if we were dating....stay with me it will
make sense I promise. You see he was
(and still is) a perfect gentleman and so there were not 'obvious' signs of
interest and because nothing direct was said and I had very little experience
with gentlemen I was left waffling back and forth in a game of he loves me he loves me not.
I was a single mother at the time trying
desperately to recover from a long and
ugly divorce and he was a good guy that I knew through work who helped me out
with man things like installing shelving and moving heavy things around, you
know tools and strength things which I certainly did not excel in. This is probably when I first openly examined
my inward tendency to A List. This is the endless loop soundtrack that
played in my head continually in those days...."Why would a man like him
be interested in someone like you? He's too successful, too attractive, too
good, too this, too that for you".
You get the jist. As the tape played on and I found myself growing more
interested in him, I became more convinced that there was no way on God's green
earth that a man of his caliber...an "A List" man, would ever want anything to do with a woman
like me. A woman like me being, a single
mom, a failure at marriage, not thin enough, not educated enough, not
interesting enough, not pretty enough and most assuredly not good enough in a
myriad of endless ways, B List material at best on a good day, but all too
likely if the truth be known pretty much just a C List girl with little hope
for better.
Time marched on as it has a way of doing and an amazing
thing happened, just when I gave up any
shred of remote possible hope that this
great guy could ever consider me worthy as a romantic partner in his life, he got really
desperate made his feelings known, and much to my shock and incredible delight it turned out he had his
eye on me after all.
I was thrilled!!
BUT I spent the next year
secretly thinking that he would come to his senses and this fairy tale I was
living would end in an awful mess with me making Cinderella before the ball
look like she had been leading a charmed life by comparison. I thought that maybe he had some 'issues'
that had yet to surface and that I was once again being led down the garden
path by someone who was less than honorable and not what he appeared to
be. As more time passed, I allowed myself to start believing that maybe
something good could happen to me after all.
The more I believed and allowed myself to open up to the possibility
that maybe, just maybe someone wonderful could love me, the more I felt like
the princess in the fairy tale. I began
to feel safe and secure for the FIRST TIME EVER. Sisters,
you would think that this was just where I wanted to be but because it was such
foreign ground to me I really spent each day in ….fear. Yep that four letter word was present in just
about every moment.
I had been so beat down in the ten years prior to this
relationship that I had a long climb up and out of the pit that I had called
home for so long. I would make a brief
appearance out of darkness and into the light and then doubt and fear would
grab hold, the endless loop tape that had been briefly silenced would start up
again at a deafening volume and I would retreat to the 'safety' of the pit
where I was miserable, but it was familiar.
Obviously this was no way to live long term, but I really
didn’t even know at the time that I was living this way because how I was
living was so much better than how I had been that I didn’t question much of
anything. I was grateful and holding my
breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop as a standard operating procedure on
most days.
Something had to give and it did. The it arrived in the form of a beautiful
diamond ring and a marriage proposal that literally took my breath away. Ok
now I was really panicking!! He wanted
to marry me??? How much longer could
this craziness possibly go on before the bottom fell out?
We began to make plans......a destination wedding....really? Wasn’t that
something reserved for A Listers? Oh wow
things were completely out of control.
Jamaica...oh my! A simple wedding
ceremony barefoot on the beach, with
sand between our toes, just the two of
us and those necessary to make it legal.
The plan moved forward. The date
was set, arrangements made and we were unbelievably happy and excited about the
new life that would begin on Jamaica’s
sandy shore. I bought a lovely
long, flowing ivory dress, with beading and sequins that did not come from the clearance rack at K-mart for $24.99 as I had
the first time (that was probably some foreshadowing….you think?).
We flew to Jamaica and exchanged our vows shoeless on the beach and
got lost in each other for a few magical
few days before we came home to begin our life together.
All through these months of courtship and
plan making My Prince was always supportive, encouraging and worked hard to help me
believe that I deserved all the good things that were happening to me. I wanted to believe him, really I did, but it
was a constant uphill battle for me. I thought so much of him, valued his opinion and trusted him completely (I still do on an even deeper level) and so slowly thoughts of "if he sees something in me, maybe something is there, if he thinks I deserve to be happy, have nice things and be treated well, maybe I do".
We will celebrate our 8th anniversary next month, this wonderful man has yet to come to his senses and I pray he never does - lol! Fear could have very easily robbed me of the happiness and personal growth that I have enjoyed since I said "I do" on the beach. Fear only has the power we give it.
When you focus on fear it becomes part of the fabric of who you are and controls how you function. This becomes an entry point for the enemy who is then able to further infiltrate and destroy even more in our lives. We must stand strong and speak God's truth to the lies by which we have been deceived.
1 John 4:18 (GW)
No fear exists where his love is. Rather, perfect love gets rid of fear, because fear involves punishment. The person who lives in fear doesn’t have perfect love.
2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV)
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
Do you A List? Others? Yourself? Events? Things? Have you had success in breaking free from A Listing? Share....Please!!
