The older I get, the more messed up I realize I am. I mean I do ok most of the time and overall I think I "pass with a push" as my sweet grandmother was fond of saying, but then there is that beneath the surface stuff that we don't care to display for all to see or even look at much ourselves for that matter.
I spent the early hours today confronted with some of that and I have to tell you, it is not my favorite way to spend time. Let me explain how I found myself 'staring down my stuff'. I have alot going on lately - who doesn't? I know. Each of us has our own tightrope we balance on day to day basis sometimes. I am in a very high tightropeseason and the pressure is on in center ring for me at the moment. This does not make me the happy, kind, warm, gentle and loving, wife, mother, daughter, friend and in general human being that I want to be. I have been blessed thus far with 48 years and with that I find myself in new territory - what I have re-named 'mental-pause'. This is h.a.r.d! My brain, body and emotions betray me continually - I have become my own worst enemy even more than ever!! I am smack in the middle of a 'bout' of it now and have so much to do and manage and I don't feel equipped to deal with any of it. I want to find the outlet and pull the plug or just spontaneously combust,neither is a valid option. I can't seem to calm myself and find myself in mini panic attacks more often than I care to admit. SO that is where I was today. This morning I got up (though I didn't want to) read Hebrews Chapter 5 with my sweet husband and then promptly launched into an all out spaz attack over coffee. Bless his heart, he was happy to have work to go to I'm pretty sure! I.don't.blame.him one.bit. So he escaped left for work and I was left to myself. The boy was still snoozing and I knew what I needed to do was spend some time with Father, before the day took on a life of it's own. I got out a new devotional that I started last week, Unglued Devotional 60 Days of Imperfect Progress by Lysa TerKeurst.I am on Day 5, I about chocked when I opened the book and saw the title for today - 'The Root of my Rot' (how does He do that??). I read the opening scripture...
Do not conform any longer t the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2
from there I made my way to the 'Thought for the Day' .... How we react is a crucial gauge of what's really going on inside us.
ouch .Ouch.OUCH!!!
I called my husband before I read any more and shared what I had just read with him. Bless him, I know he had to feel a little vindicated ;-) He really is a source ofstrength and encouragement in my life in these kind of moments, so with his blessing, I hung up and read on. I realized over the next two pages that what I really needed (which I knew all along if I could shut myself off long enough to listen to the still small voice) was to get quiet and take all this to God. To tell Him how I am feeling, struggling and panicking and seek His GRACE....I cried (I do that alot lately too...sigh), I prayed, I asked Him to show me where the root of my rot is so I can dig it out and plant something lovely in it's place....Oh Father, show me, I cried out.
Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before youand wait in expectation. Psalm 5:1-3 (NIV) Do I have all the answers? Nope, I sure don't but I do feel calmer, as I wait in expectation. I am in a much better position tofunction effectively than I was in the state I was in. For now, that is enough. That is grace. The words of this worship song came to me while I was praying.....maybe you need this today too.
What do you do when mental-pause seeks to get the better of you? A mental pause is likely a good start! Have you found something that might be an encouragement to those of us in the weeds today? Please, please ....share!!
Today I thought I would share a little more of my story, who I am and where I am coming from, what has brought me to where I am today. I want to share a little of my history in regard to marriage. Marriage is a topic that is near and dear to my heart. I long to see strong healthy marriages, I believe that they are critical to strong healthy families and we NEED strong healthy families to combat the enemy as he prowls the earth!! (1 Peter 5:8) I did not come from a home where one was in place. I am no authority, this is not my first rodeo, but hopefully I have learned a little along the way that may in some small way be of benefit to even one of you, dear readers.... My first marriage was doomed from the start, but of course I was too blind to see that. I have no desire to dwell on regrets - wasted energy in my opinion. I will say this, I was young(ish) 30 years old at the time, I was deceived in many pretty major ways by the man I was to marry and most importantly, I was not walking with God at that time in my life....I did not yet know. Not too hard to read that writing on the wall from my current perspective, but then I was clueless. We were married for 8 years, 10 months and 16 days (I calculated this as I prepared this post as I am about to celebrate my 8th anniversary asecond time and I get curious about things like that...). The last 2 years of my first marriage were spent in divorce, primarily in court, chaos and oh so much drama. This was one of if not 'the' hardest times in my life. As a single mom I learned so very much in the School of Hard Knocks in which I found myself automatically enrolled during this time. Many good things came out of those 8 years, 10 months and 16 days. It brought me to Alabama from my lifelong home in Canada - I had cats, he had kids, the cats and I made the move..... I love living in The South Y'all! I came to know my Lord & Savior during that time as well.....this is The Bible Belt after all. And last but absolutely not least, I have a beautiful son who was born out of that union. God really can take what the enemy means for evil and turn it to good !! And I wish I could locate the scripture reference for that to share with you - I was thinking Romans 8:28, but that doesn't seem completely right....help a sister out if you know the one I am thinking of ok? Thanks. But I digress... Many not so good things came out of those 8 years, 10 months and 16 days as well. Wounds that run very deep which to this day I continue topray for healing of. My self image/worth was completely destroyed during that time, I lost myself almost entirely. Damage to the way I related to people in general and even more so how I viewed men. God's goodness (I am one of His favorites by the way...nannie nannie boo boo ;-)) brought me an amazing man...My Prince....who is nothing at all like the one who lied, who hurt me and caused so much pain. He is a man of stellar character, patient (amazingly so at times - bless him), kind, gentle, honest and loves me like crazy! There is that principle at work again - evil turned to good - in this case - turned to supercalifrajalistic! I tell My Boy (who is now 11 years old and already taller than his mama!!) all the time, that hurt people hurt people when he is struggling to make sense of the things that his dad does or does not do. I won't even begin to dig into that today - there is an plethora of posting that is bound to come out of that as well.
It's true, hurt people do hurt people, but healed people can help hurt people heal...Amen! Again we see that marvelous principle at work - God takes our yuck and turns it into something lovely that brings life to the hurting...how awesome is that? We serve an entirely Awesome God!! A God who loves us beyond our ability to comprehend.
I for one feel that there is accountability and responsibility that comes with understanding and wisdom. This blog was birthed out of that belief, I will say it over and over no doubt, that if these posts help just one that is more than enough, and the reason I feel called to be here doing this baring and sharing when it is hard. Even when I really don't want to because I am scared of the transparency it will at times require and I don't know what to make for dinner tonight and I need to start a load of laundry and what will people think of me? and the dishwasher needs to be emptied and there is the history test and the math lessons and on and on and on.....It is hard, but it is so very worth it! I certainly don't do it alone and never could. God has given me a heart to reach out to the hurt out of my healing and with His help and guidance, it is my prayer that I can help you see that even in the yuck He can perform miracles....my life is truly a testimony of that...in progress.
