Monday, January 14, 2013

Prison Life

I have a weight problem.  I have wrestled with my weight since my teen years. And just to clarify that is 30 plus years now, a reasonable amount of time to figure something out I dare say.  My first memory of thinking something was off with my body was around fifteen when I remember a then boyfriend (which I had no business having, but that is a whole other post) commenting about my thighs in a less than favorable way, I can still remember the shorts I was wearing and where we wereOh hindsight.....I should have shut it down right then and there, instead I decided to run.  By that I mean I took up jogging to get my substandard thighs into acceptable, boyfriend pleasing condition.  Thus began the battle that would be my constant companion all through my teen and adult years.  I am now 48 years old and ready to move beyond this relationship.
Over the years, I have tried diets, programs, exercise (not too much), supplements, etc.  I was very good at being rewarded with good numbers on the scale at the meetings and did enjoy good success on several occasions as a result of those programs,diets and meetings I even made the local newspaper several years ago well by backside did as I was weighing in at a weekly meeting.  What I loved about that picture was how baggy my pants looked.....I still own those pants, they are not currently baggy, in fact, they do not currently fit.  Truth, is hard, but truth will set me (and you) free. 

John 8:32 (NIV)
Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.

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I don't know about you friend, but I sure want to be free.  I long to be free, and I may even know what will set me free, but I remain bound.  My bondage is a prison of my own creation and restraint and it seems absolutely ridiculous that I would chose to remain bound when I have the tools to be set free.  It is.  I have often wondered "Why is it so hard to do the things that are good for me and so easy to do those which in the end hurt me?But I do them, repeatedly time and again....what is up with that?  While I don't profess to have any answers for anyone, let alone, my own self, I do think I may be on to a hint of something that just simply makes sense.  Indulge me through this train of thought won't you please?
It is a trust thing.  And if you recall from a few posts ago  I concluded that fear is simply a lack of trust.... it's just that simple right?  No.  There it is again - imagine that - that fun packed four letter word that God has asked me to deal with this year.....fear.  Now this is where the ride gets a little crazy so secure your seat belts and hold on while I make a quick pass around some curves.  It looks like this in my mind......
I use food to fill an empty place inside - not my stomach.  The emptiness is there because I am afraid of something.  I am afraid of something because I am not able to trust.  Therefore I am using food to fill an emptiness which it was not designed to fill and will never succeed in filling.  I gain weightI feel emptierI eat moreI gain more weight. The emptiness gets bigger and louder.  I self medicate with food.  I turn on myself for my lack of control and the whole messy cycle begins again!   Exhausting!  Destructive!  Sad!  Not to mention, absolutely not what God wants for my life.
Do you see the obvious problem here?....I am using a  hammer to cut a piece of wood.  I need a saw and I know what one looks like, how to use one and where one is, but for some reason, I keep picking up the hammer!  WHY?  I. don't. know. But I know someone who does. 
The Prince of Peace.  He wants to take away the chaos and confusion and put an end to the journey around the same old mountain and set me free to live and walk the path He laid out for me before I ever wasSo what is stopping me ? Fear, which of course brings us back around know by
 It sounds like it might be a little taxing, a tad hard doesn't it?  It is.  This is....well, I've lost count of how many panic attacks I have fought off just getting this typed out!  But then I find myself back at square one, facing my old nemesis ....fear.  I cannot retreat, it is no longer an option.  For goodness sake I have exposed myself  here and there is no turning back now.  And even more than that, there is that possibility that this just might help someone other than me. Believe me when I tell you if this helps one - it is SO very worth it to me!! That is all I need to acknowledge to keep moving forward.  I have this fleeting vision of standing there one day (a thinner me of course....with a great outfit on a perfect hair day) and looking at this fear and saying in the most confidant and convincing voice "I laugh at fear."  Does anybody else have those victory moments?  Ok....moving on.....
I've acknowledged that it's hard and that I am afraid so, what am I going to do about it?  Take baby steps foot in front of the other and keep moving....forward.  This post is really more than a baby step, this may classify as a leap - a little 'catch up' of sorts.

For now, that's all I have it in me to share.  
I currently reading a great book (see sidebar)which is providing some really interesting insight and ideas to approaching this battle, this prison that so many of us keep ourselves trapped in.  I will be sharing more, but before I commit to doing too much here I would love to know if this is something you want to read more about. 

Please give me some feedback.....Would you be interested in going through the book with me?  Tell me what you want, this is for you...and I am more than happy to go deeper.  Do you have any interest in my journey/progress, would you like to share yours?  I would love to hear your ideas about what this could look like! 

I will leave you with this for now, the good news is, there is Good News!  And He is the key to release from our prison cell.  You put yourself there and with His help you can sentence yourself to freedom for life!!  



Chase Creek Photography said...

Yes, Yes, Yes!!! This is a right on time word for me! Thank you for putting yourself out there and being so real my friend. I would love to share this journey with you. I have been on a "weight loss" journey since May. But what I really want to do is be on a "Fear Loss" Journey! I can so relate to losing the weight, knowing the right things to do and even how to be successful at losing the weight. I was even in the paper too! Man, I wish I would have kept those pants! But, what I want more than anything is to get at the core of why I overeat. What void am I trying to fill? Is it fear? I really think it may be. You know if you put on enough layers of fat you shield yourself from human contact and from letting people get close enough to hurt you. However, I don't think we take into account what the isolation does to us. Your post really hit me at the core. I love you my friend and thank you for taking this HUGE LEAP OF FAITH!

Leisha said...

Your comment made me teary eyed....thanks for being so willing to share so openly...I am putting God in charge of this one, this time. I am pretty certain that is the only way to the other side. I love you too my friend and you know can't help but remember that the content of our first 'real' conversation, the one that I think our friendship grew from was along these lines.....hmmm.....kind of fitting that you join with me on this isn't it? ;-)